


fingers tap into what you were

by gidgit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: First Kiss, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 03:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/682386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gidgit/pseuds/gidgit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“Show me something,” Dean says, and he's issuing a challenge.</em><br/> </p>
<p>Within a year of meeting Dean Winchester, Castiel renounces his faith in God.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fingers tap into what you were

**Author's Note:**

> also on [tumblr](http://timgutterson.tumblr.com) \- written as a galentine's day sorta thing for jade WHO IS WONDERFUL

"Show me something," Dean says, and he's issuing a challenge. There's defiance burning in his soul and shining in his eyes, stubborn obstinance in the set of his lips and the straightness of his spine, and Castiel sees the man who withstood the worst of hell for almost forty years. Remarkable, how resilient humans could be despite their fragile exteriors.

Dean still harbors doubts about the existence of angels. His ongoing skepticism is not something Castiel has time for. "I'm not here to perform magic tricks," he says with his human voice, borrowed like all the rest. He's looking forward to the day when Lucifer's return has been prevented and he can give this body back, return home as himself.

Dean doesn't like that answer. His face twists into a scowl and he's about to vent a stream of frustrated protests, demand more information, threaten non-cooperation. Castiel cuts him off before he can get started.

"The zeal of your belief or disbelief is not our concern. You know the price of disobedience."

His mouth snaps shut and his body tenses. Castiel leaves with waves of Dean's loathing crashing against his senses. He is unbothered - the man's opinion of him is not his concern either.

-

"Show me something," Dean says, and if he didn't sound so exhausted Castiel might have said he was begging. Castiel shakes his head and Dean groans, flopping in his chair despite the fact that he was already seated. Not for lack of trying, but Castiel hasn't found anything that suggests there's any way to stop Lucifer, and doomsday is coming up fast.

Castiel sits stiffly on one of Bobby's couches, examining his hands. He supposes they're his now, though they still don't feel right. Jimmy had vacated this body some time ago, and Castiel had lost the ability to vacate it shortly after that. He's falling in slow motion, getting weaker by the day, but just as he's still not quite human, this body still doesn't quite feel like it belongs to him. He vaguely wonders if it ever will. He assumes he'll be dead long before he gets the chance to find out. There's no going home for an angel who turned his back on God and took up faith in a man instead.

"It's gotta be out there, Cas," Dean mutters, as if the secret to taking down God's fiercest child must be written in some book _somewhere_ , and they just haven't found it yet. This is the choice he made - spurning heaven and hell and possibly ending the world; all for Dean Winchester and a handful of feeble chances.

Dean's eyes flick to his, seeking support, and Castiel knows with certainty that if he could, he'd do it all again.

"No, it doesn't. But I hope it is," Castiel replies, and means it.

-

"Show me something," Dean whispers in a cemetery in Lawrence, Kansas, face beaten bloody. Castiel would like to say that, somewhere along the path in his death and subsequent resurrection, he learned of a way to rescue Dean's brother from Lucifer's cage.

"There's nothing," he says instead. Dean is still, but he's cracked all the same.

Castiel realizes humans aren't as resilient as he'd assumed when he'd first come to earth, what feels like eons ago. They're just very good at pretending.

-

"Show me _something_ ," Dean yells, and Castiel shuffles meekly, averts his eyes to the floor.

"Show me that you even care," but the floor is old, and the earth beneath the foundation goes on and on, and there's life wriggling around down there in the dark, and above in the light, life covering this planet, moving and changing and feeling and it's so easy to just fly, to lose himself out there -

He finds Dean again minutes or hours or weeks later, he can't tell or he doesn't want to know. Dean doesn't jump when he appears, not like he used to.

"I don't want anything from you, Cas," he says with a sigh. "You can go, since that's what you want. Made it pretty obvious that was what you wanted, that you didn't want anything to do with me, right? Right when you went to Crowley before you came to me."

There's something wrong with that. Castiel feels the words because he gets confused and it's hard, it's so hard to tell what people mean when they say something. It doesn't feel angry, Castiel decides, like a brother who ripped you apart from the inside out, who grabbed at your mind with sticky fingers and laughed at the things he tore down.

It feels sad, like a child of a family, a family that was once so vast it was numberless, realizing he doesn't have any brothers left.

"A normal worker bee can live for a long time if it's not busy. It can have a nice life, for a bee. But when there's work they lose themselves in it, work themselves right to death in no time at all," Castiel replies, and hopes Dean understands.

-

"You gonna show me something, or... ?" Dean asks as Castiel impatiently pulls him into a private room in the Batcave. Castiel's eyebrows are knitted together and his gaze is far away. "Dude, what's going on?" Dean presses.

Castiel's eyes meet Dean's, and it's like he's only just now fully aware that Dean's actually standing next to him, waiting for an explanation. Dean gives a dramatic sigh.

"I believe in you," Castiel finally blurts.

Dean gives a startled laugh. "Wow, thanks for self-esteem boost, buddy, glad it couldn't wait - " 

"No, not..." Castiel huffs, irritated, and Dean lifts an eyebrow. "Did you ever fully envision the implications of an angel removing his faith from God?"

"Um."

"We are creatures of faith, Dean, by definition. And I lost mine the second I turned from God." Dean's still giving him a look, one that Castiel has learned from much experience means he's not following. "For _you_ ," he adds, biting it out like it physically pains him to have to say it. 

Understanding finally dawns on Dean's face, followed almost immediately by panic. He's looks like he's trying desperately not to run and Castiel's not sure how long he has before he gives in and bolts.

"This is not a conversation about your irrationally low self-worth, Dean, you're well deserving of someone's love and dedication," he says, practically rolling his eyes. Dean sounds like he's choking. "When I'm around you're in danger. But I _believe_ in you and I can't... I'm not strong enough to stay away."

Dean hesitates, like what Castiel is saying is slowly permeating through the fog of alarm. "Jesus, is this more of that 'I'm cursed' shit?" He laughs. " _That's_ what this is?"

"It's not funny, Dean."

"What do you want me to do, Cas, angel-proof the place?" He says it like it's ridiculous.

"That'd be a start," Cas responds mildly.

"No, I - fuck, I'm not voting you off the damn island, Cas."

"Why not?" They're not on an island, but Castiel figures that's a secondary issue at the moment.

"Christ," Dean mutters. And suddenly he's right there, lips crashing against his mouth, hands grabbing his arms, pushing until Castiel's back hits a wall. At some point in the next few moments a part of Castiel realizes that somewhere along the way this body became his, became comfortable.

A part of him realizes he's home.

Then Dean's pulling away, a redness to his face, mouth twisted in a horrified kind of smirk, which Cas has some trouble understanding.

"For what it's worth," Dean says, "I believe in you, too."

-

"Show me something," Dean says, grinning, lying on the bed underneath him. It's a dare.

Castiel still thinks this has the strong potential to end badly, that they're taking a risk here. But when it came to the two of them, it seemed the smart decision never had much hope of overcoming the right one.

Cas allows himself a small smile as he nudges Dean's legs apart.

"I intend to."


End file.
